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My heart seems to be in nothing I do. Nowhere to be found. It effects so much. I was once told to get these feelings out, rather than to stuff them all down. To write out what bothers me. I try to make it that far and then my concentration breaks and that mental freeze happens. Never used to be so hard. I used to be much sharper than this. As I reflect on that...it hurts me too. Again, my heart is in nothing. Things that I could have. Things that I dont. Things that I want and miss. It's kind of weird to be sad about something I dont have...

Afterall, do I really know what I am missing if I never had it in the first place?

This consuming darkness and isolation...and all I can do is just pretend it's not so bad. So many things at one time. I guess I have just had enough. It's every single thing at once. It just never ends. When I do try or just sort of suck it up and interact like normal it doesn't take very long before I sigh and wonder why the hell im even bothering with almost everything and everyone. By the time im done with doing this or that and somebody finally asks how I am, what is up or why I look so sad...it's right back at fragments of their lives. My answer remains somewhere in the back of my throat and that why bother feeling comes back. This is probably why I dont want to talk much anymore. Even my voice is becoming lost with me. It too wants to give up.

So many things. So many thoughts. So many feelings. Not good. This better be a funk im in because it's been dragging on for some time now. There's only been one other time in my life that I felt this LOST and this insignificant. This sad. Life isn't always great, this I know full well. I do know that I just want it to fucking stop. For even just a little while. I hope it will. Even hope feels lost to me.

Feels like im just sucking up air for no reason anymore and the thought of stopping that too has crossed my mind alot...

Afterall, somebody important may need it.

Pain

Pain and more pain.

Disconnecting from everyone. I know this routine well. Happens every so often. Each night...

A little bit more of my soul vanishes.

Tonight...

I cant find the words that best describe all this confusion. This very strange feeling you left me with.

and...tonight...

Just plain sucks now, because of you.

Go to bed. Telling myself to go to bed and pretend that this doesn't bother me.

It does bother me.

I want to disappear.

I am my own shadow....

And some asshole neighbor's car alarm keeps going off.

Im off to find a heavy brick before bed...................

I had to get my dog some food and pick up some cleaning items for the house and roomates. I decided on a late trip to Wal Mart for these items, grabbed a cart and walked past the dinky little McDonalds within the store. Upon one of those high stool/seats they have...I see this blonde man sitting alone with a vacant/sad stare as I passed by. We both took a glance at eachother and I did a double take. It was none other than my old high school buddy Lance. Sexy gay Lance as he loved to be called.

I ran over to him and gave him the biggest hug ever. "Lance, oh my god sweet pea, where the hell have you been?!" I said as he hugged me harder than he's ever hugged me before. He had bleached his hair blonde and gained about 10-15 pounds since the last time I saw him. I told him that he looked great (because he did) and he got shy and went into how he was dressed funny and not all glamed out. We chit chatted for about five minutes and then his mom came over to his side and asked if he was alright and he introduced me to her excitedly. He explained to her that he had known me since high school through a mutal friend and she smiled, told Lance that she'd be shopping and to text her when she was in the check out line. He was sweet to his mom as she asked him if he needed one of those power chairs with the basket in the front. He nodded and smiled and she left one near my shopping cart. I was a little taken back that Lance needed one of those. I watched as he hobbled from that seat on to the seat of the power chair. "Are you okay, dude? Whats up? Tell me," I said. More sadness behind his hazel eyes.



"Wanna shop together?!" he asked excited. "You know I never turn down an opportunity to shop ANYWHERE at ANYTIME with my favorite gay man," I said and he laughed and blushed. As we picked out items in the pet isle, I asked him again why he was using a power chair and he explained to me that in the years we hadn't spoken...he had been deathly sick and hospitalized on numerous occasions. When I asked what for, he exhaled and looked at me with difficulty behind those hazel eyes.



"Dude, whats up? You can tell me..." I said trying not to push it and send him out of his comfort zone. He eyed a few other customers as they left the isle we were in. Then he said it...

"Im HIV positive Diana," he said with more sadness in his eyes and in his voice. Instant tears sprang to my eyes and I threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Im so sorry sweetie," I said wiping tears away. He laughed and wiped his own tears away saying, "Oh nooo Di, don't cry. When you cry I cry! It's always been that way! Stop it girl!" he said with a laugh. We both laughed and wiped our tears away. I just didnt know what to say. I wasn't about to tell him it was all okay and say shit everybody else told him. Instead we exchanged numbers and shopped as if we both didnt have a care in the world. I made him a promise that I'd always be there for him and that if he EVER needed a good friend...I'd always be there for him. Always defend him and always be good to him. He smiled and we hugged again. "Diana, you've always been such a sweetheart to me. You've always been so accepting and supportive of me and my choices," he said with a sincere look, "I love you, Girl!"



I smiled. Helped him shop and reach the items he couldnt reach. Just watching him trying to get up and get the items that WERE in his reach was hard enough. He looked like he was in so much physical pain. I kept telling him to take it easy and allow me to get what he needed. Normally Lance NEVER accepts ANY help. This time though...he was more than happy to have me there with him. Helping. Caring. Being his friend. He would laugh every now and then and tell me that eventhough I always wore black and was his only goth friend, he loved me and always had. Told me I was sweeter to him than any other friend he ever had.



After I made sure he had everything he needed, I escorted him to the check out line his mom was in. He demanded another hug and made me swear that I'd call and keep in touch. I smiled and told him that he better do the same...anytime, day or night. He got teary eyed again and I did too. Me and Lance. Or as he loves to be called, Sexxxy Gay Lance (he demands three X's because, as he puts it...he's just that damn sexy).



I went to collect some more household items I needed and felt like somebody had kicked me in the chest. Lance. Going through this?! He doesn't deserve that pain. He doesn't deserve to be embarassed that he had to by certain items for comfort that he'd rather not. I never told him it was going to be okay. I DONT know that and I wont presume to. I wont push it. All I can do is be there for a long time and remain loyal. I adore Lance. He's my buddy forever and I'd do anything to make him smile and take his pain away...

We're supposed to call eachother tomorrow in the evening. It feels good to have Lance back in the picture.



I just wish I didn't feel so helpless. I dont want to see my friend suffer. We talked about our road trip to Morrow Bay California. The fun we shared. The special rings we bought before leaving Morrow Bay and the promise to never take those rings off.

There are more great times to share with my buddy Lance. I just hope he knows how much I care for him and love him. I hope he knows I'll always be there for him. That I'd defend him to the end.

I hope for so many things.



We thought we'd never see eachother again. I suppose life is sort of twisted like that. I just hope he knows how much he means to me and what a great friend he's been to me since I was fifteen years old.



Im Sexxxy straight Diana in his cell phone.

He is Sexxxy Gay Lance in mine. Friends that found eachother at the right time in an annoying store...

And Im awake, still taking this all in. Trying to absorb it. What's on platter O'Wake tonight?

Anger

Frustration

Sadness

Shock

Hurt

The feeling of being helpless

The nagging feeling that I'd do anything to make this better. To make it all go away...